Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Why are you wearing that?
[00:00:05] That looks weird.
[00:00:07] What is that on your face?
[00:00:11] Now, these are things that you might hear in a locker room, which I spent a lot of time early on in life in a locker room full of guys playing sports. And that's perfectly normal to say those things in that setting.
[00:00:26] But these were all things that I thought were okay to say to my wife during the first three years of marriage and realized very quickly that was not okay to say those things to her. And Danae is saying the first three years of marriage, really, you think you're better now? You're more tempered now with your words. I've grown a little bit, but I was raised in a family that just said what you were thinking all the time. There was absolutely no filter to your face what they were thinking. Now, there's some good to that. There were no secrets in our family, family get togethers. Nothing is off limits. We're going to talk about whatever right now.
[00:01:13] And yet I realized once I was married to this beautifully created woman who did not come from that perspective, that you couldn't just say what you were thinking all the time, and you couldn't say it because it caused a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. And I regret much of what I said during the first three years of marriage just saying what I was thinking. But I learned very quickly that sticks and stones may break bones, but words do much worse.
[00:01:49] It's not true that words will never hurt you. They do hurt, and they hurt the people around you. And what Proverbs wants to do with words is cause us to feel pain before we give others pain with our words. You may have noticed this in Proverbs. Proverbs is very blunt about our sin, very direct about our sin. It's a hard book in some sense. It's a harsh book that confronts our folly, that confronts our foolishness and wickedness, as Proverbs calls us to fear the Lord and walk by wisdom. But the book of Proverbs wants us to feel the pain our words cause by confronting and rebuking before we hurt others.
[00:02:46] Proverbs 14, verse 3, says, by the mouth of a fool comes a rod for his back, meaning our words don't just hurt others, they hurt ourself. They cause ourself a lot of pain. The book of Proverbs talks about our speech and words more than anything else. There are 150 proverbs about speaking speech. One sixth of the book, and you can even say more, is about words. And it's so important because we know the importance of words. We are hearing words right now. We are looking at words in front of us. We are studying words. We are thinking about words. We are constantly living in words. And so we need to understand the effect of words, and we need to understand the importance of our words. And the most important thing that you need to know about your words is that your words reveal your heart.
[00:03:53] Your words tell you something about your heart. And this is what Jesus teaches us In Luke chapter 6, verse 45, when he says, out of the abundance of a man's heart, he speaks.
[00:04:08] So the condition of your heart is revealed by your words. Everyone sees what's going on in your heart as you speak. Everyone hears things that God already knows about your heart. When you begin to talk, if you are discontent in your heart, you will complain. If your heart is full of hate, you will express anger. If your heart trusts in the Lord, it will be expressed in prayer. If your heart is full of joy in the Lord, you will be full of words of worship and thanksgiving. Your words are always telling others something about your heart. In Proverbs wants us to ask, do our words tell others? Do our words tell God that we are wise? And so what does it look like to have wise words? Well, first of all, we got to understand that wisdom, for the most part, is quiet. And so before we start talking about how we talk, we first of all have to understand that we don't need to be talking so much.
[00:05:26] Wisdom is quiet. And why is wisdom quiet? First of all, wisdom knows its place. I am quiet in wisdom because I know my place. And here we're going to see a picture of what it means to live in the fear of the Lord. As we've read through Proverbs and studied Proverbs, we understand that the beginning of wisdom is to fear the Lord. I stand before God as my Creator. He gives me life and breath.
[00:05:57] He sustains all things. And so I tremble before him. I am harnessed by the Lord. And if I'm harnessed by the Lord, my heart will be harnessed by the Lord, the fear of the Lord trembling before him. And my words will be harnessed. And that means I'm not going to talk very much, because I know my place. Notice Proverbs 12:23 says, A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly. And so here in this proverb is a man who knows some things. He has some knowledge, he has some wisdom. But he doesn't go about talking about how much he knows all the time. So we see, wisdom isn't that I don't know anything, so I don't talk. Wisdom is actually, I know some things. I just don't tell everybody how much I know. I'm not pontificating my opinions all the time. I'm not trying to give everybody my advice and counsel. I'm strategic with those things. And for the most part, even though I know some things, I keep them to myself. I know my place.
[00:07:17] Next we see, wisdom is quiet because I'm listening. I know my place, and I'm spending more time listening to God and others. Notice Proverbs 18:13.
[00:07:29] If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. This is the person who foolishly is always interrupting others. They're not even thinking about what the other person is saying. They are waiting to say what they want to say. Yeah, but. Well, actually, you just can't stop yourself.
[00:07:54] You want to say what you want to say, and you are on the edge of your seat as folks are around you talking, waiting to give a better story, waiting to tell a better way to do things. That's folly. Wisdom is harnessed. Wisdom knows its place. And so wisdom is standing back listening to others. How can I benefit from others? And before I speak, I want to be careful what I'm going to say. So I have to listen to you first. And then wisdom doesn't know. Wisdom says, I don't know everything. So that's another reason wisdom is quiet, because I don't know it all. Proverbs 17:28 says, Even a fool keeps silent. Who keeps silent is considered wise. When he closes his lips, he's deemed intelligent. I know a lot of people who aren't very smart who just. They don't know a lot of things, and yet they're quiet. And some people walk around and go, that's a really wise person.
[00:08:57] Well, it's true.
[00:08:59] If that's true for someone who doesn't know anything, how much more is it true for someone who does? Because the one who is spouting off all the time is indicating his ignorance. I think about this in the same way I would think about someone walking on a board. Your wisdom and your knowledge is kind of a board that you're walking on in conversation. And the more you walk on that board, the smaller it gets, the more thin it gets. And the more you talk, you're going to reach an end to your knowledge, an end to the board. Your knowledge and wisdom is going to run out at some point. And the more you talk, the more you Talk about things you know nothing about. The more you bluff, you will reveal your ignorance. So it's best just to be quiet because you know, I don't know everything. And so you resist the temptation to engage in certain conversations because you stand back and say, I don't have an. I don't have one idea what y'all are talking about. I don't know. So I'm going to stand over here and be quiet and listen. Wisdom is quiet because wisdom knows its place. And I'm going to have to be loud. Wisdom's going to have to be loud for a moment. In talking about how wisdom is quiet because of the rain.
[00:10:24] So wisdom knows its place. There you go. Somebody just. That was great.
[00:10:30] We don't even have our new sound in yet, and that was loud. I need to be listening. I don't know everything. And finally, why is wisdom quiet? Because wisdom realizes I am sinful. You are a wise person with your words. When you realize that your words are mostly sinful words, notice Proverbs 10:19.
[00:10:54] When the words are many, transgression is not lacking. So the more you talk, the more you're going to end up sinning against others. And whoever restrains his lips is prudent, is wise. Again, the more you talk, you. You reveal, I don't know everything. And then the more you talk, you end up sinning and hurting others. You've been in those conversations where it just goes on and on and on, and by the end of it, you walk away going, did I offend them? I can't believe I said that.
[00:11:30] And you regret things in which you've said where you've hurt others. And so wisdom is quiet. And so how do we have wise words? Well, wise words before we talk, I think would say this in any conversation, in any conflict, Maybe you're going into a meeting, maybe you're in a social setting.
[00:11:52] Maybe there's a relationship that you've got to sort out and you've got to have a conversation.
[00:11:59] I think wise words for us would be to say, I'm not Jesus. I got to begin this conversation, this meeting, this relationship, by saying, I'm not Jesus, and I need to listen to Jesus first before I talk. You know, the people who spend more time with Jesus talk less.
[00:12:18] The people who are harnessed by the word of God in prayer, they usually don't talk as much as others who are just unharnessed in talking because they realize, walking with Jesus, I'm not king. I know my place. Jesus is king. I don't Know everything. Jesus does. Know everything. My words are sinful. Jesus words aren't sinful. And so what do I need to do before I start talking? Spend some time with Jesus. I've got to have my words informed by Jesus words. I've got to have my words corrected by Jesus words. I've got to have my words purified by Jesus before I talk. And so any conflict, any meeting, you get that anxiety about what you're going to say, or maybe anger or frustration about how you're going to handle a conversation, you need to spend time talking to Jesus first. Letting Jesus talk to you first before you speak. Wisdom is mostly quiet, but also wisdom is careful. That's our next point. Notice Proverbs 12:18.
[00:13:32] There is one who is rash, whose rash words are like sword thrust.
[00:13:40] But the tongue of the wise brings healing. Here, as we talk about wisdom being careful, we first of all notice the picture that our words are like a blade.
[00:13:52] Now, you can be a surgeon with this blade, or you can be a killer with the blade of your words. A surgeon takes a blade and is very careful, makes the cut so that the body can be restored and repaired. But a killer could care less.
[00:14:14] Just thrust the sword in and it's haphazard. And so are you a surgeon or a killer with your word? A surgeon can take things that are true and right, even confronting sin, and with carefulness can perform surgery that is good for the other person.
[00:14:37] But the person who is just rash and haphazard lets their words fly out of control. They cut and they hurt others.
[00:14:49] And so wisdom is careful with words. What does it mean to be careful with our words? Well, to be careful with your words, you have to be thinking about your words. And so wisdom is careful because wisdom is thinking. Notice Proverbs 15:28. The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. And so you're going into that conversation, or you're in the middle of a conflict and someone says something to you, the righteous person stops.
[00:15:21] How am I going to respond? Let me think about what I'm about to say to this other person.
[00:15:30] And you ponder your words that are going to come out of your mouth.
[00:15:37] And I would say a good practice is as you feel that anxiety, as you feel that anger and frustration, and you realize we do this all the time. We realize this conversation just went off the road. Or it could go off the road, depending on what I say next is to stop and pray.
[00:15:56] Jesus, help me know what to say in this Moment God, harness my words.
[00:16:03] I want to think and ponder what I will say. And what are you going to think about? Well, first of all, the question you need to ask is what I'm about to say, is it true?
[00:16:15] Ask that question. Is what I'm about to say true? Proverbs 12:22 says, Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord. You are no more like Satan than when you are lying.
[00:16:30] Lying is satanic. Exaggeration, flattery, that's untrue is satanic. And why is that? Well, truth, the definition of truth means according to reality, what is real.
[00:16:45] And what is real is what God is doing in the world. His providence, he's sovereign. We look at the world around us and what he's allowing to happen, what he is causing to happen, that is real. And what a lie does is it replaces what's really happening with our story, with what we want. And so we take the story that God's telling right now in front of us and we take our story that's not true, that's false, that is to protect ourself, that is to promote ourself. And. And we put it in place of what is real.
[00:17:20] It's exactly what Satan did in the garden. Has God really said, I don't think that's true.
[00:17:29] You won't surely die when you partake of the fruit. You will be like God. What did Satan do? He took God's story and replaced it with his story. And it led to sin and destruction. And when we lie, we are acting like Satan. Others are believing our truth, which is falsehood, our exaggerations, and we are leading others toward destruction. But notice Proverbs 12:19.
[00:17:59] Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment. The truth is. And we see this in scripture, Satan's lies were but for a moment.
[00:18:11] Ultimately, all of God's truth will be unveiled. Everything that every lie, every abomination of falsehood will ultimately be uncovered as God's story, which is true and right, unfolds and comes to completion. His story will be true forever, and it's eternal. And so when you lie, you are wasting your words.
[00:18:38] Temporary wickedness that doesn't last. It's a fake narrative, it's false, it's not true. It leads others toward destruction. It is unloving parents, you have to tell your kids that when they lie, you need to look them in the eye and say, you are acting like Satan and you are being unloving because you want them ultimately to believe the story of Jesus, which Is only thing that's true. And if you let lies go, they don't understand. There's something real, there's something true, there's something that will last forever. God's true story. And so is what I'm about to say true. And if it's not true, if there's any question that it could not be true, I don't say it. And then we say, is it worth saying? We ask the question, is what I'm about to say worth it? Proverbs 10, 20, 21 says, the tongue of the righteous is choice. Silver the heart of the wicked is of little worth. And so what the righteous wise person says is like silver, it's worth something. The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense. And so the righteous, they speak words of value into the world. And so you've got to ask the question, is what I'm about to say worth it? Will it add value to this conversation? Or is it just meaningless yammering? And we see this a lot today as we think about just swimming in words. And every day has a news event that is the most. It is the latest crisis, world's coming to an end. We're not going to get past this moment ever.
[00:20:33] And it's here today and it's gone tomorrow. But how many of us spend our time just yammering about those things that a week from now people are going to forget about the news, the headlines, the things that everybody's talking about. It is of little value. And so you've got to step back and not speak meaningless words that are worth nothing into the tornado of the world around you that people are going to forget about. Is what I'm about to say worth saying? And then is what I'm about to say life giving, death and life are in the power of the tongue. And those who love it will eat its food again. We go back to this blade that will kill or heal. And if you care about your words, they will produce life. Notice those who love it, those who care for what they say, they will produce life. But those who are careless will destroy. They will bring about death. You do understand that you have power in your words. Dad's here. Today you are establishing the identity and security of your children by the words you speak to them, by the things you say to them. You are establishing life in their life. That they may know God is a good father and they may know security in him. And we can so quickly and easily destroy that by haphazard words to our kids. Where they lose confidence.
[00:22:15] There are folks all around you who are struggling who need the life of your words in their life.
[00:22:24] Their view of God's goodness is skewed and it's not true. And they're believing lies. And you can speak into their life what is true and what is right and what is worthy of bring life.
[00:22:40] You do the same thing in your own mind. The words you speak in your own mind bring about life or death. Some of us just like to ruminate on the worst case scenario.
[00:22:52] And we tell ourselves the worst case, the worst case, the worst case. And you know what we're doing? We are killing our soul. It is suicide. We are to speak what is true even in our mind. Is it life giving? And does it give grace notice? Proverbs 16:24. Gracious words are like a honeycomb. Sweetness to the soul and notice this. And health to the body.
[00:23:20] Even physically, we help others when we speak the right words. Notice the words here are gracious words. They're like a honeycomb, all natural sugar sweetness. That is good.
[00:23:36] But what are gracious words?
[00:23:39] They are other centered words that are needed and often undeserved and unexpected.
[00:23:48] And so there's folks who need your words.
[00:23:53] There are folks who do not deserve your words.
[00:23:57] They may have sinned against you, and yet you speak them anyway. And it is unexpected, just like the honeycomb. Wow, this is good.
[00:24:08] This gives me energy. This brings life to my soul and my body.
[00:24:15] And you speak those words and you bring this sort of grace into their life. The goal of gracious words is to serve and encourage others. Think about that. As I, as I am in a conversation and I am about to talk to you, do I contemplate how my words are going to affect you? And do I ask, how can I serve this person with my words? They're probably not going to expect me to tell them all God's doing in their life. They're probably not going to expect me to say, wow, look. Look what God's doing in your life.
[00:24:54] Remember a year ago when we were in that moment and you were struggling. Remember a few years ago when you were in that sin. And look where we are now. Look what God has done in your life. And then all of a sudden, they weren't expecting that.
[00:25:11] You were just talking about the weather and they weren't expecting you to all of a sudden punch them in the face with grace.
[00:25:19] Wow. And they are encouraged.
[00:25:23] But we have to ask the question, is that my motive to give grace? And by the way, we're in a church Majority of people here believe the gospel. The majority of people here have the spirit of God living within them. So you know what? You can find something of grace to say to every person here, because the spirit of God is doing something in every person's life, maybe not what you want them to do. Maybe God's a little slow in what he's doing in someone's life. But you can step into anyone's life and say, look. Look what God's doing. And we need to hear that from one another. And so does it bring grace? And then finally, does it bring joy? As we're thinking about our words, we're thinking, is it worth saying? Does it give life? Does it, does it, does it bring. Is it true? Does it bring grace? And then finally, does this bring Joy? Notice Proverbs 12:25. Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.
[00:26:31] Anxiety, fear.
[00:26:34] You have the power with your words to alleviate that.
[00:26:39] How do you do it? Well, when they start complaining about their life, when they start sharing their anxieties and their fears, don't go, yeah, I know it's really hard and it's terrible. And it, no, no, stop. Hey, hey, stop.
[00:26:57] Around here, complaining is profanity. It's unholy. It's not sanctified talk.
[00:27:04] And so what we do is we stop and we remind them of God's goodness. Hey, we could both be in hell right now.
[00:27:14] And we're standing here and we have Jesus and we have the promise of eternity in heaven.
[00:27:21] And what is that to do for the believer? It is to make their heart glad. They are weighed down. And you step in with your words and you take that anxiety and burden off their back.
[00:27:35] You take it away from them with your words, and it makes their heart glad. It brings joy. And so we're asking all of these questions, and we would say at the end of the day, as we think about what we're going to say, ultimately, we should be talking about Jesus in the gospel. And you've heard that all the way through, more than anything. And so to summarize all of that, before you speak, you need to ask the question, does this exalt Jesus?
[00:28:04] Does this exalt Jesus by telling the truth? Is he lifted up as worthy? Has this been filtered through the gospel to give life grace and joy? Those are two questions you need to ask before you talk, especially around here at church. Is what I'm going to say to you, brother, is it true about Jesus? Because if it's true about Jesus, it's worth saying, and it exalts him is better than sin, is what I'm going to say to you, sister. Has it been sifted through the Gospel to bring about life, grace and joy? Even when you confront people of sin, you got to get to Jesus.
[00:28:45] You don't walk away from that conversation without saying, jesus loves you, I love you, and the Gospel is true.
[00:28:54] And so I'm going to exalt Jesus. I'm going to sift everything I say through the Gospel to bring about life, grace and joy. Does this bring about security in Jesus?
[00:29:05] And next we say, wisdom is calculated.
[00:29:09] So we're careful and we're thoughtful. We think about what we say, and then we're calculated in exactly what we say. Notice we're calculated in what is said. Proverbs 25:11. And a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a silver setting. That's some fancy apples in a silver setting.
[00:29:40] This looks great. Give me one of those apples. Right?
[00:29:46] It's worth saying, and it is the right thing to say. Notice a fitly spoken word, the right word to say. How often do we think, is this word that's going to come out of my mouth, is it going to be like an apple on a gold plate or a silver plate? Gold would be even better, I guess.
[00:30:09] Is what I'm about to say the right word? They need it right now. And the person who hears it, they're going to go, yes, this is so valuable to me. I needed this word. If we thought that way, we would speak less.
[00:30:22] But then we're careful with how much is said. Notice Proverbs 18:4. The words of a man's mouth are deep waters. The fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. Now, notice the difference there. The point is, we have a lot of words under the surface that are in our mind and heart that should just stay.
[00:30:44] Wisdom only bubbles up every now and then.
[00:30:48] You're not always pontificating everything that you know.
[00:30:52] Wisdom just bubbles up. Because why? Because you're careful. Most of the time you're quiet, you're thinking about what you're going to say. Does this exalt Jesus? Has it been sifted through the gospel? And once it gets through all of those tests, just a few little words of wisdom, boop, boop, bubble up.
[00:31:12] Instead of absolutely drowning everybody with what you say.
[00:31:17] Some of our BFG conversations, some of you need to learn that when you start answering the question and all of you got apple watch, hit, start.
[00:31:28] And once you get to 20 minutes, you've gone Too long.
[00:31:32] You've gone way too long.
[00:31:34] You are. People can't swim in. In the room, they're waiting for lasagna in the kitchen, it's burning because you keep talking.
[00:31:47] You are drowning people with your words. So you temper how much is said and then how it is said. Now, before I say this, I do want to make a clarification here.
[00:32:02] Authoritative, stern words are needed. We know that. Right?
[00:32:08] Police officers, we don't want them walking around all the time with soft words. Sometimes they have to speak with authority. Stop.
[00:32:18] Right.
[00:32:20] And a lot of times in our culture, we are confronted and we like to use the excuse.
[00:32:28] It's not what you said, it's the way you said it. Right? We use that excuse way too much.
[00:32:37] However, Proverbs says this. The way we say it should be soft and gentle, especially in confrontation. Notice we're to be gentle for peace. Proverbs 15:1 says, A soft answer turns away wrath. But a harsh word stirs up anger. And so you're in a conflict. Someone comes at you. How do you respond? I'm going to escalate drama real quick.
[00:33:07] You're talking to the wrong person.
[00:33:10] I'm about to let you have it. And those things go through your mind. What are you going to do when you say what you're thinking? You're going to escalate drama. You're going to notice the text, stir up anger, and you have to ask the question, is that my goal? Just sort of that sarcastic barb that's insulting? Okay, we're going to talk about this, but I want to let you know how stupid it is.
[00:33:36] Does that help? No, it stirs up anger. We're also to be gentle with our words, to persuade. Notice Proverbs 25, verse 15. With patience, a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone. Again, the power of the tongue to persuade. And so he says, the king, the ruler, the one who has all authority and all power. If you want something from him, you don't go before him, yammering around, yelling and screaming. You go before him in gentleness, impatience. And notice the phrase there. A soft bone or a soft tongue with will break a bone. A bone that is hard and difficult to break. A soft tongue. Words that are. That are spoken not forceful and loud, but are given in patience, that you are calm with your words. You are able to persuade others. And so notice this. Wise words. We would be more wise with our words if we ask, what is the goal of my words? Is it to compel others? Is it to persuade others? Or is it to push others away? Think about that as you speak to your spouse, as you speak to your kids, as you speak to your co workers, as you speak to your friends, as you're on social media. Ask the question. Is my goal to compel others in this moment to Christ? Is that my goal? Then I'm going to be more gentle with my words. Is my goal just to win an argument or to win you to Christ? Think about that as you debate with your co workers. Everybody in. Everybody in. Let's listen. I know it's loud.
[00:35:27] As you talk with your co workers about cultural issues, as you talk about truth in the world, as you unpack the gospel, do you just want to win, Win the argument? Jesus is right. This is true. I win. Give me the belt. It's over.
[00:35:46] Do you want to alienate them or do you want to be united in Christ? Think about that as you have conversations in conflict at church and you dig into difficult issues. What do I want to happen when I walk away from this conversation? Do I want us to be united in Christ, or do I want us to walk in next Sunday just kind of irritated with one another? What is the goal in my words?
[00:36:15] Well, Proverbs 8, 6, 8. You get a shorter sermon today because of the rain.
[00:36:27] Oh, no, maybe longer. Now, Proverbs 8, 6, 8. The words we read in the very beginning. And if you remember those words, they're the words of wisdom in Proverbs, and they are righteous words.
[00:36:46] Wisdom says, wickedness is an abomination to my lips. All the words of my mouth are righteous. There is nothing twisted or crooked in them.
[00:37:01] And so as you think about that, you think about wise words are righteous. They're true. They're perfect. The question for us is, do I have any hope with my words?
[00:37:17] Hold on, I'm just going to talk. And if you hear me, you hear me.
[00:37:27] Do I have any hope with my words? My words are wicked. They're unrighteous. Well, the hope that we have is that God has spoken very clearly to us. He has spoken life, grace, truth and joy to us in Christ who is the Word made flesh.
[00:37:46] God's heart is perfect. It's pure what comes from his heart. Jesus, the Word made flesh for us. Jesus, who allowed all of our words to pierce him and condemn him. And when we believe in him, all of our words are covered in his righteousness. In Jesus we hear, let not your heart be troubled. I will give you rest. It is finished. Lo, I am with you always. Our only hope, the only hope for our wicked words is to believe in the Word made flesh, Jesus.
